I celebrated my twentieth birthday with my boyfriend and demanded some decent photographs for a collection of obsessively sentimental memories.
I've always had phenomenal luck with boys, for the most part.
That being said, I have a lot of qualities I look for, as well as huge red-flags. I think that's why my relationships last so long. In high school a lot of my friends always asked me how the hell I kept a teen-aged boyfriend for longer than a year, and I never really thought too much about it at first. I just said 'I guess I just figure it out.' But to be honest, I didn't just figure it out. I had a lot of things to consider, I had choices to make. So, for my younger friends, or even anyone who has trouble sticking with a significant other. Here are some things that I've noticed about my dating patterns.
- Obviously, you have to find them attractive.
No, that doesn't make you shallow- and anyone who accuses you of that is both naive and ridiculous. We're human beings, and we know what we are and aren't attracted to. Does that make you a shallow person? No. Beauty is still within the eye of the beholder, so stay true to your preferences. If you like blonde boys with buck-teeth and long legs, go for it. Nobody has any right to judge your choices, and if you aren't attracted to a potential lover, you're obviously less likely to make a legitimate connection. - Pay attention to the things the both of you start conversations over.
If every opinion this person has about a subject you're passionate about absolutely pisses you off to your core, don't compromise on anything else. If you're going to argue over topics that mean a lot to you- it's not a good idea to pursue something. Don't try to meet yourself in the middle by saying 'well, at least he tucks me in at night.' In fact, if you ever catch yourself compensating for a huge loss with more trivial things: tuck and run. Sure, he/she may cuddle you to sleep at night- but that doesn't justify the fact that they just spent an hour belittling or arguing over something that means a lot to you that day. Don't date someone you can't agree with more than you disagree. - Pay attention to what you're feeling.
Does he/she make you feel incredible? Does he/she make you feel at home? Comfortable? Safe? Cherished? These are the important things. Comfort, security, trust, warmth, passion, honesty. Don't settle for someone who only fulfills so many of your needs. Perhaps make a list of ten things that you'd like to have in a partner- and then narrow it down to five things you absolutely cannot budge on. Five traits that are paramount in importance. If this cat isn't living up to your expectations- don't try to change them and certainly don't invest anything that you can't take back. This goes both ways. Don't hurt them and don't get hurt. It can all be avoided if you're honest with yourself. - Make sure that you're not holding your partner to an unrealistic standard.
Something that I've noticed about myself (and other girls, and maybe a guy or two) is that I have the tendency to hold a guy to a standard that is impossible for them to reach. It's unfair to both myself and my boyfriend to hold grudges over things that he simply cannot or will not achieve. You can not change someone. You can not train someone into becoming a better human being than what they already are. Don't get upset if your boyfriend/girlfriend does something that upsets you if you were aware that they've been doing that for some time. Getting upset over a partner's pre-relationship habits is just as redundant as hating the mailman for bringing you bills. He does it every week, but you still scowl at him for doing his job. Routine is something most people are comfortable with, and nobody likes feeling patronized or crucified for it. - Don't give up too easily.
If my boyfriend and I broke up over every tiny little thing we ever argued about, we'd have separated about 100 times over, by now. Don't drop someone because they don't like Miracle Whip. Trifles aren't worth losing someone over. Save ultimatums for things that are life-affecting or particularly hurtful. - Finally, if you're starting to realize that things are doing more harm than good: Do the merciful thing and know when to let go.
If/when you reach the point in a relationship where you're certain that you're both miserable, it's only right to bring things to a close before more damage can be done. If you're tired of being with someone, let them go- I'm sure they'll thank you in the end. After all, nobody wants to be stuck with someone who makes them feel terrible, especially if it's a mutual thing. I know misery loves company but misery has never been something that humans want to keep permanent. Be kind, be compassionate about it all. Understand that perhaps maybe this wasn't your best match, and that you had a good run. Let him/her go easily. Don't insult, don't sling mud at each other. Just let go, because if you hang yourself up on one person for the sake of sparing their emotions (or for fear of hurting them by dumping them) you're hindering the opportunity for the both of you to find a more ideal, comfortable match. Don't try to force something that just isn't happening.
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