003

My brain has decided that if I don't write tonight, I won't sleep- so, I'm writing out my thoughts for the day, which is something that I really would like to do on a regular basis. In fact, I'd like for these nightly entries to be the most consistently time-consuming thing I do. I'd rather stay away from getting swamped in the net, anymore. My life's already a quarter of the way over.


Another genuinely beautiful day. I wish that it were just a few degrees warmer... The jackets and hooded sweatshirts that I have don't exactly permit that I travel long distances in chilly weather like this without the threat of a cold afterward. That's not to say that I don't plan on walking or riding my bike more often, once the clouds decide to lift and the sun wants to send me some kisses again.


When I think about the decision I made- I'm still sore about it. I can feel it in my chest whenever I turn on this computer. I can feel it whenever I check my Facebook and I can feel it whenever I realize (for the nth time) that I've uninstalled AIM. It's strange... To be away from things that I love. To give up someone you love, more for their sake than your own. I'm lonely, a lot. I'm sad now and then. But, ultimately I'd like to call it an odd limbo between contentment and misery. It's a bittersweet sort of position. I have so many options but I would have rather taken those options with her. I would have rather had the opportunity to share every experience with my best friend, rather than cutting all ties to protect her from any further damage I could cause as a massively inadequate, long-distance friend.


I'm not going to get down on myself. It's not really worth it. A waste of energy and time that I don't have. I try to simplify it. I'm trying to simplify every problem I have now just by asking myself whether or not I want to waste this finite time on something so trivial as self-loathing or a petty argument, etc- you get the picture. If it isn't something completely self-destructive, I want to let it go in the best and healthiest way I can- by keeping busy.


That's not to say that my best friend wasn't important to me.


She was the best human being I've ever met in my entire life, and nobody on this fucking planet will ever come close to replacing her. She understood everything about me, supported me and listened to me. She was always there. She was a complete constant, and someone I could trust not only with secrets but in keeping an open mind. She was smart, funny, sweet... It almost sounds like I was in love with her, doesn't it? I might have been, in a way. I loved everything about her. My best friend was pretty much the kind of person you don't find as easily anymore. She was a fucking gem and anyone who manages to have her as a friend or girlfriend or etc will be luckier than all hell. She was incredible... And I hope every day that she's happy, that she's alright and that she's doing well. I want success for her, I want happiness and satisfaction and all earthly luxuries to come her way. I just want her to be in a good place. I miss her every fucking day...


She was phenomenally important... But some way or the other you have to learn to accept the things you cannot change.


I can't change who I am, or what I did or what I could have done.


But I can take the idle reigns of my life and steer them in a more positive direction, and that's what I'm going for.