001

I lost a huge part of my life the other day, and that's not to say that it was a willing thing. I chose the best decision in my mind, but for all I know- it could have been the worst. I deleted all of my connections, uninstalled AIM and am now hoping with everything in me that I made the right choice. 


I'm not as dependable as I'd like to believe. 


But ultimately, I feel better. I feel like I get a little bit better every day. I get older every day- obviously. Shit... I'm going to be twenty in May, you'd think that by now: I'd have better foresight for these sorts of things. But to be honest, all that I've ever learned thus far is that when it comes to arguments or disagreements or sore feelings in any sort of relationship (whether it be romantic or otherwise), all you can do is apologize. Genuinely. If you're sorry with everything in who you are and you mean it- you've done your job, the rest is up to that human being and if by chance they decide that your apology isn't good enough... Well, maybe you're not the one who should have apologized in the first place.


I'm a decent human being. I like to think that my morals are mostly in line, mostly solid. I have things that I'll stand for as much as I have things that I won't. I'm stubborn, but ultimately I like to think that I have an adequate amount of empathy in me. I may be a cynic but I'm not so cold as to lack regret in some actions I've taken over the years.


But I didn't start writing to bring myself down. I actually had a really good day. I'm happy. I really am.


I'm trying to get out more. I'm forcing myself to make friends (well, not so much forcing as I am enforcing the fact that I can't do this whole 'life' thing without human companionship ordeal.) I took my baby brother Richard to the park today, being that it was such a surprisingly wonderful day. I brought a friend along and we talked about 'girly' things, which didn't bother me. I love things like that. Before then, even- I woke up and went to work, came home and cleaned the living room, as well as helped with some dishes, bathed, perfumed, made up my face and painted my nails. It was soothing... To keep myself as busy as I did without the aid of the internet right there by my side. I may have used it for music while doing my hair and the dishes but I don't consider that nearly as horrific as the amount of time that I used to spend on it.


I have so many things that I want to do with my life. Silly little trifles that seem fun and simple... But... Fulfilling in the sense that I've done them. That I've somehow brought the thoughts in my head to life, rather than imagining them miserably within the confines of my home. Nothing I've ever thought of is unreachable. It's only that up until recently I've been too stuck on staying in my misery to move along. 


I'd like to think I'm growing up... But, you know- it's too soon to tell.


Have a Bonfire
Drive into the Middle of Nowhere
Play in a grassy field
Sleep under the stars
Paint my face and dance in the firelight

LA VIE BOHEME MAN